Fear of Deletion and the Eternal Trace
[intro] [part 1] [part 2] [part 3]
On my way back from Necropolis, I started doubting my action. I asked myself: "Why past tense? Why does this have to go to the entire community? Now everyone will know that my alter ego was headless..." I had a feeling I may be drawing attention to my weaknesses unnecessarily, making matters worse. The body will be deleted, but the trace remains, and it will haunt me by being present in the minds of others. Memory of her will multiply! But there is no reverting the process of deletion. The trace indeed remains, and formless images of the past forever haunt me since they are now indelibly etched into my data body. It assumes a new, more insidious form that cannot be seen or defined and becomes even more present than before.
Yet it is a tempting thought that there may be a way to get rid of all these events that I regret, and that death is the end of it all. It is tempting to think that one could erase all those internal films that replay without being summoned, in wakeful or dream states. But most of all, it is tempting to think that one can get rid of all those people that reappear again and again. Yes, that's worst of all - the emotional data bodies in an endless loop. Those you were attached to, who haunt you, bringing up emotions that waste your precious time and reignite memories you could live without. Sometimes, even those that you weren't close to are added to your memory bank to haunt you whenever you least expect it. Like those three that were part of the terminal project, years ago. They show up, again and again, confronting me with images of cancer and decaying bodies, demanding attention. Sometimes I wonder what kind of body their Phantom Captains are operating now and if they were successful in their last mission, or if they thumbed their nose at it all and got sick from it all? Was their purpose to leave behind an uneasy trace and a reminder that the bodies we get attached to are nothing but a bunch of superbly engineered chemical elements ? It seems that I have summoned one of them with this talk because she is sitting next to me right now. Naked, with her breast cut off, her tattoos faded and her jewelry rusted, she looks directly at me with tears in her eyes and I wonder if she is forever suffering or if she is yet another projection, another fear. In moments like these, I reassure myself by remembering that fear stands for "False Entity Appearing Real" and resign myself to her company. Should I reach out and touch her? As if on the street passing by a crippled person, I am offput and can't get myself to extend my warmth, to give some love to her. The guilt overwhelms me, the shame, and the helplessness. She leaves only to be replaced by the floating entity above us with tubes and wires hanging freely from his body. He is easier to deal with because he helps me view it all through a lens of humor and cynicism. But, his trace is also heavily soaked in sadness and agony, so I send him away by persistently looking the other way. Then there is the one with a quiet demeanor that appears at odd moments and has a gentle melancholy presence...She is difficult to get rid off because there is something attractive about her pain. These reappearing traces show how you have no control over who may attach to you, or for what reason.
All these data bodies are victims of a system that is organized and reproduced to fulfill a certain function. If you don't quite fit, you pay the price. It is all about the eternal clock which is set to work as an independent entity. When you challenge that, the pressure gets so intense on your internal clock that the body breaks down in pain. But one day the system will crash and many will simultaneously realize that there is no end and that the clock was artificially set . Only when our data bodies get distributed over many spaces, and time loses its meaning, will we will be able to let go of the fear of deletion and accept Noend.
[intro] [part 1] [part 2] [part 3]